Big busted women get ample amounts of attention in our current culture. Small breasted? Not so much. I’m a small breasted woman and damn proud of it! I didn’t used to be. I want to share with you how I went from intense body shame to ultimate liberation and self-love.
In this first part of a 3-part series I share my own body shaming story. You’ll become aware of whether or not you hold body shame, and I provide questions at the end to help guide you into clarifying your own story.
But first I must put out there — Yes, I can imagine you’re thinking, “What would a small breasted, petite woman have to feel shameful about?” This very message I told myself caused me more shame. I felt shameful about feeling body shame. I’ve never had to even go on a diet so how could I be holding this shame? My shame story though is MY shame story and it doesn’t make it any less shameful than a person struggling with weight issues.
I was a really late bloomer. In late elementary grades when the boys were snapping the backs of girls’ bras for what reason, I have no idea, I had none to be found. Mortifying!
At the fragile age of 10, I was strolling the mall with my parents when one of my dad’s colleagues stopped and asked, “Oh, is this your son?”. Yep, beyond mortification! This seemingly innocent mistake left an imprint on me. It was probably my “Dorothy Hamill haircut”, a short hairstyle that was all the rage for young girls.
I didn’t get my first period until I was 17, just in time for college. I had what was considered a boyish stick figure. To top it all off my younger sister developed before me into full busted young teen. My family handled all this by not saying a damn thing. No one wanted to hurt my feelings. There is no one to blame here, but being the person I was, I was left mired in shame and like something was wrong with me.
I carried this shame with me through adulthood, feeling like I wasn’t like other women, like I lacked something that the club of women all had in common. I felt I lacked femininity. Yet, I was the most girly girl there could be. In Kindergarten I insisted on wearing dresses every day to school. Hated getting dirty. I wanted nothing else than to be a mom or a teacher at least. My dolls went everywhere.
When I was ready to become a mom, I couldn’t conceive without the help of drugs. Another testament to my not fitting into the female club.
Photo by Picsea on Unsplash
When my first baby was born, he wouldn’t latch-on, despite my extreme desire to breastfeed. I went to great lengths using every option I could find, while in my new mother fog, to get him to latch on. Nothing worked, not even assistance from the best lactation consultants. I pumped for five months when I finally dried up. Another testament to add to my collection that I wasn’t measuring up to other women.
My body shame really deepened after breastfeeding my third and last baby. Yes, my next two babies gratefully latched-on with ease. But by the time my youngest weaned himself after a year of nursing, my breasts deflated considerably. For a while I didn’t think too much about it. I was so used to covering up my body except for my husband’s view. I was wrapped up in raising three boys.
A friend of mine who had a similar change in her breasts after breastfeeding opted for surgery. I considered it for myself but after looking within, eventually came to the conclusion that it was not for me.
So, I kept my breasts covered up, padded and hidden from anyone but my husband who by the way found nothing wrong with my breasts and lustfully adored my body. My man showered me with praise for my beautiful naked body for 30 plus years but until I was ready to embody it, I couldn’t deeply receive his adoration.
Along with all the personal beliefs and stories I played in my head like a broken record, I was also carrying the messages granted by the media. One message being that large breasts, big cleavage, and curvy figure were the real statement of femininity, sexy and beautiful.
I felt left out of the fashion industry. It can be challenging to find stores that carry size 00 or AA bra size, not to mention the models revealing their large breasts.
I know what you may be thinking — “I would kill to have a small frame like yours”. I’m sure I’ve been the envy of other women because of my petite figure. None of that mattered though when in my head I felt I wasn’t right, that I wasn’t really feminine or sexy without a curvaceous figure. Perhaps, your shame is at the opposite end of the spectrum from mine where you’re feeling shame around being too large. I have news…it’s all shame and it’s all the same — just different reference points.
Brene Brown, the “go to” author on shame defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
I know I’m in some degree of body shame when I…
· Am uncomfortable being naked in front of others
· Hide my body in ill-fitting clothing
· Bad mouth my body with myself and others
· Judge others’ bodies
· Avoid talking about my own shame story
· Feel I’m flawed, don’t belong or wrong in some way
One addition to all that I was carrying was that I had no support network, nowhere to express what was making me feel so wrong. I had no branches to latch on to where I could find others like me or even just share my story. I was conditioned by the patriarchal world culture, the same culture that fed messages that I was not enough as I was, that I must face these pains alone or god forbid I’d look weak.
The shame lurked in the dark crevices of myself. A part of me knew it was there but I wasn’t daring to go looking for it much less turn it on its head. I wasn’t even that aware I held this shame. It was such a fabric of my being.
I was living in a fog of body shaming without realizing what I was missing out on. Why would I want to stir that up? What would I find? I had done a ton of work around self-love and I was loving myself pretty well, thank you!
What is Your Body Shame Story?
Here’s some questions to help get you started…
- What parts of your body feel wrong, flawed, too much or not enough?
- What messages or thoughts do you tell yourself about your body?
- Where did you get the messages that your body was not okay the way it was?
- What earliest memories do you hold that contributed to any feelings of not belonging or that something was wrong with you?
- What are you deepest secrets around your body that you have kept hidden from your inner circle?
- In what ways has living in body shame held you back from living a full life?
- How has body shame left you feeling?
- How do you imagine you could feel if you were free of all body shame?
I’m holding you with such love and compassion if you feel propelled to write your own story of body shame. It may just be what you need to begin the process of healing your shame or it may be the final piece you need to finally unravel it.
In Part 2 of this series I’ll share how my body shame arose again within community and how I finally broke free from it’s chains.
Look for Part 3 where I’ll share my 13 powerful practices for transforming your body shame into embodied self-love.
Please share in the comments below your thoughts about body shaming.
Karen works as a certified empowerment coach, Reiki master/teacher, & sacred circle facilitator. She also teaches workshops and leads retreats. Her powerful spiritually-based coaching will ignite your inner goddess, release your good girl and guide you to living the life you crave.Grab your free guidebook HERE. www.karentasto.com
*Bra Photo by Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash