I’m hearing from so many, me included, how challenging these times are, on both a personal and collective level. Life feels accelerated and uncertain. There are unfathomable atrocities happening all over the globe. Stuff long ago buried is rising to the surface, ascending out of shadow. If you’re in empath, you’re feeling things tenfold. I know I am. I’ve recently become aware just how dysregulated my nervous system has been. And I’m one who does a ton of embodiment, self-care, and inner work. Not to mention, I rely on the solid support systems I have in place. And still, my body, my nervous system endured too much daily stress and trauma over the last several years.
What this all means is that chances are, you’ll find yourself across from someone you hold dear, a friend or loved one who is in pain and who could use some space holding. Or perhaps you yourself need someone to hold space for you.
When we’re in pain we mostly just want someone to listen, to sit with us without passing judgment or giving advice or changing the subject, or turning the table on themselves. I can’t imagine where I’d be without the connections I have, without my “soul family” holding space for me.
One of the biggest ways we regulate (in other words feel supported, safe, calm, and secure) is through connection. In trauma language, it’s called co-regulation. Yet, our tendency when we’re in a stressful state is to isolate. We tell ourselves we don’t want to burden anyone or bring someone down. Or who would want to listen? Or no one gets me anyway, so why bother? These are all quite normal reactions to stress and trauma.
As humans we need people we trust and feel safe with enough to lean into, to honestly share our burdens, to even collapse with. Everyone differs in their willingness, capability and skill at holding this kind of deep space for another. This is not to pass judgment on those who just aren’t willing or capable. More often than not, they’re simply afraid of the dark and heavy, and with best intentions for us, want to relieve our pain.
We have to be comfortable with our own darkness, to be able to compassionately hold others in their darkness, while seeing them through to the other side. It’s a learned skill and one we all could continue to cultivate in these turbulent times.
I’ve been the recipient of both not-so-good space holding and amazing space holding. I’ve felt the difference and how each leaves me feeling. This awareness has helped me become a better space holder for others.
You may be asking what it even means to hold compassionate space for another. No one taught us this growing up unless we were one of the lucky few for whom this was modeled. It was not modeled for me. However, I have learned and honed this skill from mentors, therapy space, extensive coaching training and 10 years’ experience of holding Sacred Circle space. I, of course, sometimes make mistakes, and I’m always working on refining my skills.
I find it’s a special gift to find people in our lives who know how to hold supportive and compassionate space in this world. When you experience it, treat it as a blessing!
I’d like to offer you some suggestions for holding compassionate space the next time you find yourself sitting across from someone in pain. Take what you like and leave the rest. Hold love, self-compassion, and forgiveness of yourself if this is a skill you’re not so practiced at or if you are practiced and you make mistakes. We all do. We’re all learning as we go.
How to Hold Compassionate Space for Others
• Connect to your own heart and the soles of your feet on the floor.
• Connect to the other’s heart energy.
• Hold eye contact.
• Listen from your heart.
• Attentively listen with your whole body, not thinking of what you’ll say next.
• Allow for pauses and silence.
• Give them time and space to express fully without interruption.
• Avoid pushing tissues into their space. This can feel intrusive to their process.
• Avoid offering advice or suggestions, unless requested. No one needs fixing.
• Avoid rubbing their backs or embracing, unless requested. Comforting touch that doesn’t tend to interrupt one’s flow is a hand resting on the upper back or on their hand.
• Avoid questions especially ones that begin with Why.
• Avoid adding into the space how your story relates to their story. Stick with their story.
• Follow your intuition as to what comments might feel good to the other such as “I’ve got you. You’ve got this. You’re so brave. Your tears are beautiful.”
• Validate their feelings with words like, “Your anger makes so much sense” or “Of course, you feel betrayed”.
• Ask how you might support them going forward.
I hope this helps you for any space holding you may find yourself. And it just might help another hold space for you.
May we all hold more compassionate space for others and ourselves. Compassionate connection is what will heal this world.
I’d love to hear what this stirs in you.
For over 20 years Karen Tasto has been helping women who’ve been carrying the weight of the world, remember and lay claim to all of who they truly are. As a certified life coach and women’s circle facilitator, she’s dedicated to supporting women in their quest to feel more alive, connected, and whole.
Find out more at www.karentasto.com