Do you ever catch yourself in the dark tunnel of “shoulding”?

You know what I mean. It’s the voice or thoughts that sound like…

I should lose weight.

I should be getting more accomplished.

I should be taking better care of myself.

I shouldn’t be so anxious.

I shouldn’t have reacted that way.

I should be more like so and so.

Sound familiar?

The worst is when we add time frames to our “shoulding” like…

I should have my act together by now.

I should be further along in my career by now.

I should know my life purpose by now.

I shouldn’t be doing this at my age.

I should have seen it coming.

This tunnel, when we’re caught in its spiral can lead you in only one direction…down into a dark pit of muck.

Especially at this time of year, a month into a new year, it can get particularly ugly, as new year intentions, goals and resolutions may have fallen by the wayside. The guilt and hopelessness sets in. So you’re throwing “shoulds” around like a bouncy ball.

I recently found myself in that pit of “should talking”. I was so mired in this, I couldn’t recognize where I was, and yet it felt familiar. And I’ve been aware of this kind of self-talk for years. My radars are especially up for listening to this self-talk with my clients. Of course, it can be more difficult like anything, to see it in yourself.

But there I was.

I should have more clients.

I should be further along in my personal growth, business, everything…

I’m 52 for goddess sake, I should have done more with my life by now.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

So I went down and down, spiraling out of control, my husband there to receive it as I cried over my morning bowl of oatmeal, a common place for me to rupture. I felt stuck in indecision, in paralysis, in frustration with myself, my life.

Then to top it off I said to myself, “I shouldn’t be shoulding myself.” More tears.

What the hell!

My incredible husband, as he so often does, was there to catch my fall, lessening its blow, while seeing in me what I couldn’t see in myself.

Sometimes we are so deep in our own shit it takes another person, someone with two feet planted on solid ground to see what we alone couldn’t. My hubby helped shine a light on my dark corner and just like that I was climbing back out of my swamp of “shoulding” and into being kinder on myself and energized once again.

We all do this. We all “should” ourselves from time to time or perhaps with every thought. Whether we’ve been aware of this voice of our inner critic for years or are brand new to the concept, sometimes all it takes is to shine some light on the harm it’s causing us and we are transported back up into fresh air and solid ground.

What is the harm in “shoulding”? Why is it so toxic to your well-being?

It holds a heavy, low vibration so it only depletes.

It’s filled with regret, guilt and the burden of obligation.

It keeps you narrow focused so you’re less likely to see alternatives.

It sets you up for failure.

It makes you feel bad and disconnected.

It diminishes the “why” of doing a task.

It causes resentment.

It keeps you stuck in inaction, confusion and misery.

How to climb out of “shoulding” yourself?

First, give yourself a hug of love and compassion for even catching yourself in this kind of talk.

That’s called self-awareness and it’s truly the first step in shifting anything.

Next have some alternatives in your handbag. Some suggestions include:

I’m right where I need to be at this time.

I’m doing the best I can.

I choose to (fill in the blank).

I want to (fill in the blank) because if I don’t (fill in the blank) or when I do (fill in blank).

How do these sound? Lighter? Gentler and more loving towards yourself?

Then it might be helpful depending on your situation to break the “should” into its smaller goals, tasks or desires connected to your bigger goal or desire.

For example, if your desire is for connection to family and your self-talk could be going something like, “I should go visit my mom more often”.

What if you could shift it to, “I choose to visit my mom when I can because she really appreciates anything I do for her and when I do, I feel more connected to her and I really value our relationship.”

Doesn’t the second statement sound much lighter and empowering? Now I know it depends on your mom, but you get my drift.

Lastly, give yourself another big hug of congratulations for doing what you can to shift your self-talk. Your words are power!

If what you’ve read speaks to you, I challenge you to keep a running tally for a week on your phone or piece of paper for all the times you speak to yourself or another with a “should”. It’s not a competition so go easy on yourself. This is simply about building awareness.

By all means, don’t make this something else to “should” yourself about.

While you’re at this tallying, try out some alternative words for a week or so.

Then let me know in the comments below how you feel or perhaps how your life even changes for the good.

We could all be gentler on ourselves. These are challenging times no matter how you slice it, and we’re all doing the best we know how.

Remember, the key in getting ourselves out of the muck of “shoulding” on ourselves, or anything for that matter, is awareness.

And it certainly helps to surround yourself with other grounded, aware people who can gently shine a light on any toxic self-talk.

Featured Image Photo by Anastasia Dulgier on Unsplash