A trip I took this spring was a pilgrimage in Ireland, my third such pilgrimage over the course of 7 years. I felt called to share a significant piece of this pilgrimage where an old wound from childhood came full circle to be healed and transformed.
Just a little background for those who don’t know me well…
I was a quiet, sensitive middle child. I cried a lot. I hid under my bed when I got scared. I was told messages like, “Don’t be so sensitive” or “You’re too sensitive”. Sound familiar? I was very clever in tuning into how everyone in my home was feeling, especially my mom, so I could adjust my own behaviors to accommodate and please them.
By the time I became a young adult I believed my sensitivity was a curse and not to be shown, so it went into shadow to the point where I couldn’t shed a single tear at my older sister’s funeral, a place and circumstance where crying would certainly be accepted. Wouldn’t you know I became the mother to a sensitive boy, also the middle child. I saw my former self reflected in him which was quite challenging.
Over the course of my consciousness journey I’ve been growing into embracing my sensitive nature. It was just a few moments amongst soul sisters there in Ireland where I felt I came full circle in the healing and reclamation of my sensitivities, which ultimately means into feeling my wholeness.
The leader of our group who is also my spiritual mentor of 10 years had planned for us to visit on this particular day the ruins of a monastery dating back to 630 AD. We would do our dreamwork, rituals and reflections there amidst the ancient ruins, as we would do all throughout the week of the pilgrimage but at a different sacred site each day. In typical Ireland fashion the sky was heavily overcast with definitive forecasts for rain. Because of the dark skies we planned to begin in circle within the one enclosed structure on the grounds – a chapel with an attached anchorite which means a building for religious hermits.
My mentor had visited this chapel/anchorite during her past visits and spent long contemplative hours in this space. Because of this, I didn’t think twice about entering when our guide unlocked the iron gate and our leader led us in, chairs and backpacks in tow, ready to make camp for a couple hours and dive into our sacred work.
Immediately upon entering, the space didn’t feel right to me. My heart started racing (not at all a typical sensation for me) and I felt shaky throughout my body like I couldn’t remain standing. After a few moments of this I got the urge to speak out loud, “Not all departed spirits are benevolent.” Then another sister shared that she was experiencing a racing heart.
I knew from past experiences (not with this group), not to be naïve when entering ancient spaces. I knew I needed to step outside. Everyone else soon joined me. I expressed that I was sensing a very dark and heavy energy, whether it was a departed spirit or something else, I didn’t know.
For a brief moment I was beside myself with fear and doubt. The very old voices rose up. What have I done, disrupting the group’s plans? Was I just being too sensitive? Or is this just fear from past experiences?
We all stood outside those chapel doors, me a bit further out, as our leader ever so skillfully and wisely led us into quiet space to check-in with ourselves, listening and discerning, and then into sharing one by one. It was a liminal moment for all of us. One of the women had previously shared her dream of this exact posture of our leader standing against a stone wall as this one. Something bigger than us was at play as we were living out a nighttime dream.
During our process I found out one sister was having a completely opposite experience from mine which made this especially hard for me. She was actually feeling good in the space and excited to explore it more. This sure stirred up more self-doubt.
Nevertheless, I held to my own experience as real and to my truth that in order to take care of myself, I could not go back into that space. Feeling more myself and even empowered, I proceeded away from the group that morning to be amongst the other sacred ruins while some of the others went back in and explored more of the chapel. Each member of the group took care of herself in the way she felt called, honoring her own experience as well as that of one another’s.
This was not the only time I’ve gathered the courage to separate from a group because of my sensitivities. After spending half my life abandoning myself in efforts to conform to a group, I have since learned the adage of “going along to get along” just doesn’t always ring right, nor true for me.
Given where I started just over 10 years ago, it felt pretty remarkable that here in these healing moments I was…
• Listening to my body’s sensations and my higher senses
• Giving voice to what I was sensing
• Being witnessed in my immediate reactions
• Being honored, respected and listened to by others
• Honoring and respecting my experience even when it went against the group
• Trusting my feelings even when others were having opposite feelings
• Taking good care of myself by following through on my knowings
• Being held in sisterhood with all my sensitivities and needs.
This experience felt like the culmination to the inner work I’ve done in shining light on this shadow while also a celebration of reclaiming my sensitive nature. Feels so good! I also feel so very grateful and blessed to have this incredibly supportive soul family along with me on my journey. To me true sisterhood is where it’s at!
I certainly now truly own and embody the belief that my sensitive nature is not only a blessing, but a superpower, too!
I invite you to explore and journal with these prompts to help guide you…
What are your sensitivities and how do you feel about them? (They’re different for everyone)
When have you dishonored your sensitive nature? How did that feel?
When have you listened to, trusted and honored your sensitivities? How did this feel?
What makes it hard for you to trust and honor your feelings and knowings?
How has your sensitive nature been a blessing in your life?
What kind of support could you use in embracing more of your sensitive nature?
I’d love to hear from you about what this touches in you.
May you love and honor your beautifully sensitive self!
Karen Tasto has been holding sacred space for women to journey towards their whole selves for almost 20 years. Beginning as a yoga & meditation teacher and currently as a certified life coach and women’s circle facilitator, she is dedicated to supporting women in their quest to feel more alive, connected and whole. www.karentasto.com