What do you do with your emotions?

Do you run from them, push them down, numb out or blow up at the slightest provocation?

Since this pandemic began, I’ve been feeling my emotions like never before and they’ve been all over the place, all 88 keys. Tears come readily. Anger or sadness roll in clear as day. I receive this as a gift from Covid-19.

I’ve not always been like this. I used to be really good at stifling my emotions, at swallowing my tears, dismissing my anger, denying frustration. I’ve had to learn from others how to feel, how to express myself and emote. I’ve been blessed in midlife with excellent role models and teachers.

Our culture does not encourage expression of emotions. If anything, we’re taught that men showing tears is a sign of weakness and if women cry often, they need medical help. I was taught that a “lady” doesn’t show anger and that I shouldn’t bother anyone with my feelings. Men too, we’re taught, must bury their rage. Media clearly and quite regularly demonstrates numbing out with alcohol or drugs when we’re upset and having strong emotions.

I certainly couldn’t even name what I was feeling much less feel them fully. When my older sister died when I was 19 I couldn’t cry. I thought, “What is wrong with me? I should be crying.”

My unexpressed anger at the people in my life, particularly my dear husband turned into resentment and passive-aggressiveness, which is not helpful for either party.

We’ve not been taught healthy emotional expression. It took me lots of therapy to unlock my pent-up grief and eventually a program with Mama Gena to open a damn of repressed anger and rage I didn’t even know I had. In a room of 1,000 women we were taught how to embody our rage, our grief. It was like we were given permission for a lifetime, maybe generations of rage and grief to be set free. The depth and range of screams and wails sent waves of healing far, far back through our ancestral lines and deep down into our DNA’s. It’s amazing the power of a good scream or wail, most especially in a group setting.

A build-up of emotions can be as toxic to our bodies as nuclear waste is to our earth. Emotion is energy in motion.

Emotions are meant to move through us, not stay stuck within our bodies.

When we stuff down our emotions, especially over time, they have nowhere to go but into our energy and tissues. Consequently, our bodies must find some outlet, which often shows up as physical pain like stomach pain or migraine or emotional pain, like depression.

Our emotions are also our greatest teachers. I’ve learned to trust and respect my tears that bubble up especially in the most inopportune times which usually mean in company of others. There lie our biggest truths and healings, if we can allow them to have their time.

Our tears speak our truths. They are usually the wake-up call from our psyche that something is amiss or that we need to pay attention to our inner Self. When we look at what’s under our tears, it’s often a practical piece of wisdom for ourselves. In my private sessions this is when I’ll encourage my clients to pause.

I had just arrived in India at the outbreak of the coronavirus for a planned two week tour with a yoga group. I spent the first two days swinging sharply back and forth from absolute trust and faith to fear and panic. Our third morning I woke up at sunrise and was inspired to sit in meditation in my room. Afterwards, as I stood up and began getting myself ready for the day, which included boarding our bus for the next leg of our journey, a waterfall of tears began falling. In that moment my truth became crystal clear, “I’m ready to go home, even if that means I must break off from the rest of the group.” Then my truth was confirmed when after addressing the leaders with my tears and voice, I felt a huge wave of relief. This was a pivotal moment for deepening my understanding of the power of my emotions, especially my tears.

We as women are uncomfortable with witnessing other women emoting. We’ve been conditioned to feel that we must take the other’s pain away and make her feel better. We want to hand them tissues or hug them, which actually can disrupt their healing process. So, to sit across from someone in distress and do nothing but hold space, feels quite uneasy.

We don’t quite grasp that women are inherently emotional and that it is not a crutch but a powerful force. In some cases, yes, incessant crying over a long period of time is a signal of depression, but what I’ve witnessed in my practice, are simply women finally coming home to themselves.

I’ve had clients ask me why they tend to cry when in my healing studio. I turn the question over to them and their typical answer is that it’s a space where they feel safe, seen and heard.

I’ve recently come across the works of spiritual teacher/author, Jeff Foster who puts into beautiful poetry the idea of befriending our emotions. We’ve only been taught to treat our emotions as our enemy, as something to push away, to get over, to do battle with, like they shouldn’t be there.

A spiritual guru may even teach us that we should be calm or serene all the time and not get angry if we are to be spiritual. That could not be more false. No emotion is a wrong emotion or even a so-called negative emotion. They all serve a purpose and are all meant to be felt.

Jeff talks about leaning into every emotion as it shows up, welcoming it like an old friend. We give each emotion the time and space to simply be with us, without trying to make it into something else.

We tend to hold the false notion that if we open the door to a difficult emotion that it’ll overtake us and we won’t be able to stop. The truth is that most of the time when we really embody our emotion without the story, it takes just 90 seconds for it to move through us. Just 90 seconds! I’ve experienced this firsthand time and time again.

What does it mean to embody an emotion? Really just watch a child throw a temper tantrum and you’ll know what I mean. When my sons were young and they had a tantrum without interruption, I’d be amazed at how once it subsided, they’d jump up sniffling and run off to play like it never happened. But us grown-ups need to relearn this.

The Elements of Embodiment Include…

Feeling the sensations of the emotion in the body

Breathing deeply

Dropping the drama story behind it

Letting the body move the emotion, even over-exaggerating it

Making any sound to the emotion

And the right music really helps create the space for embodiment. In my tools below some are obviously embodiment and some may look like they’re not. However, even the talking, journaling and creative expression are coming from body and not head.

One disclaimer — never force yourself to release emotion before you have the strength to deal with them. Seek a therapist if you feel overwhelmed with emotions. Don’t go digging for buried pain but rather gently allow it to arise. I’ve found that once you open the gate to one emotion, the others will flow more fluidly and easily and this includes both the heavier emotions like fear and rage as well as the lighter ones like joy and the excitement. The tools below are what have been working for me. Try them out and then use your own discernment for choosing which tools you’d like to keep in your toolbox.

Here are My 7 Proven Tools for Emotional Expression

1. RELEASING BREATH — From my chapter, Breathwork from the book, “The Ultimate Guide to Self-Healing Techniques.” This is best done standing with the feet planted firmly on the ground. First, exhale fully. Now inhale deeply through the nose from the depth of your belly, expanding the abdomen and rib cage out to the sides like an accordion. Exhale with the mouth wide open and make the sound, “Hah,” until you’ve reached the end of the exhale, with the navel pulled back towards the spine. Allow the jaw, the throat, and the shoulders to relax throughout. Practice this breath for at least 5–10 minutes. Observe any emotions rising to the surface and welcome them like you would an old friend.

2. Talk it Out — Find a trusted friend or family member to act as witness while you vent without interruption. You might set a timer. Finish by sharing a celebration, a gratitude and a desire.

3. Swamping (from Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts) — See Elements of embodiment above. First write or speak out loud what it is you’re swamping. What is making you feel so angry or so sad? Gather props like pillows, soft bat, dishrag. Put on some music that fits your mood. For sadness/grief try “Make it Rain” by Ed Sheeran. For anger try “Counting Bodies Like Sheep” by A Perfect Circle. Move any objects that could get in your way. Then simply “let it rip, embodying the most extreme version of your emotional truth. Try beating pillows or whacking a dishtowel against the wall. Try rolling, crawling, writhing, kicking.” You’ll feel silly at first but keep experimenting. If you don’t have the privacy at home get into your car (not while driving) and scream and bang on steering wheel.

4. Journal — Pull out your journal, set a time for 5 minutes, take a deep breath, and keeping pen to paper, respond to the prompt, “I feel…” Let everything out that’s in your head and heart through your pen without censoring. If you’re afraid of someone seeing this then rip the pages up or burn them.

5. Shake it Out! — I’ve been using this one a lot during quarantine. For however long feels good, just shake your entire body, Start with hands and arms, then add legs, hips, belly, chest, head until entire body is shaking. Adding breath and sound to this makes it even better for you. Go wild. How would anxiety shake? What about anger?

6. Creative Expression — I’ve found these YouTube videos, Self Care Through Art, really helpful for expressing my feelings onto a blank paper using various art materials.

7. Meditation — Just pausing in your day to sit in stillness and silence can help you access any emotion that hasn’t had space to surface while in activity. Start with the Releasing Breath above and then follow your relaxed breath or repeat a mantra. Intend to open to whatever needs to arise and let it flow. Stay with sensation in the body. Be the tender observer.

Whether you’re moving very old dusty emotion or the emotion that is currently up for you, it’s a good idea to create a container for your releasing period. Set a timer. Light a candle. Set an intention. Then afterwards to further the shift in energy and ground yourself, put on some sensual music and let yourself move in whatever way is pleasurable for you. Maybe take an Epsom Salt bath or massage your feet. After a releasing session you will probably feel relief and lighter. It may also take several releasing periods to bring these up and out. Go gently and patiently.

I hope what you’ve read here will encourage you to make emotional expression a regular part of your life!

If you’d like some guidance and support with your emotional expression, schedule your Discovery Session with me and you’ll be on your way to feeling lighter and more alive.

Karen Tasto, CPC, E-RYT200, owner of Open Heart Healing, helps women tune in and turn on to their feminine powers so they can live in the fullest expressions of themselves. Her 15 years as a yoga teacher, guiding her students back home to their body & vitality, were the foundation for her work now as a certified women’s empowerment life coach, Sacred Circle facilitator, and Reiki Master. She also leads workshops and life-changing retreats. She knows from her own experiences that the way to a woman’s freedom is through her body, her emotions, and sisterhood. Find her at www.karentasto.com

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