Are you still living your life in the tight grip of being the good girl?
Are you feeling suffocated under the weight of obligation and expectation?
Let me share what I mean by “good girl”, so you can maybe recognize her in yourself and then decide if you’re ready to see her off. I’ll even explain how to let her go once and for all.
I was raised as a good Catholic girl. It was ingrained in me at an early age and as a sensitive and shy child, I took this expectation to be a good girl seriously.
In fact, every time I left my house I’d get a “be a good girl” reminder like a kiss goodbye. It was guaranteed. Everyone meant well, but it left me suffocating to say the least!
I held on to her with all I had for the first half of my life. She was my safety net. She was all I knew. Hell, I even got lots of reward from holding onto her. Friends loved her because she allowed them to get their way. Teachers and employers adored her because she followed all their rules to a tee.
A few years ago, I became very much aware of her through my inner work and finally just a few months ago I can say I completely set her free.
Who Is the Good Girl?
She accommodates, accommodates!
She aims to please and appease the other.
She crumbles in the face of any criticism.
She will walk over fire to be there for you, even getting burned on the way…
And of course, she won’t complain or make a big deal…
Others come first and foremost.
She depends on others approval to feel good about herself…
She hates rocking the boat and will avoid it at all costs
She is hesitant to speak up…for what if she says something that offends or upsets.
She follows the rules and conforms, even when it makes no sense.
Do you recognize her in yourself?
As an adult she may show up in the form of the good wife, good mother, good daughter, good employee, etc.
Is “good girl” in the driver’s seat of your life?
Do you avoid taking risks or doing scary things for fear of messing up or looking stupid?
Do you keep yourself small and invisible for fear of what others would think?
Do you put pleasing and accommodating others above your own needs?
Do you have trouble saying “no” even when it would mean you would have to give up something of value to you?
When is it time to set her free?
I knew “good girl” was ruling my life when I became so bitterly resentful of the very people who were most dear to me.
I knew when I was feeling like I would explode if the chains wrapped around me weren’t at least loosened.
I knew when I found myself judging others who were demonstrating big, bold, badass, carefree or even defiant energy.
I knew when who I felt myself to truly be was feeling bigger than this false self of “good girl”.
You will just know, too!
How does “good girl” serve you?
It’s important before you release this pattern to honor the “good girl” and all the ways she has served you. Living most of my life as the “good girl” has certainly had its gifts. She kept me safe for sure. I avoided the typical risky behavior as a teen. I created a life where I was really there for the people close to me.
Who are you without “good girl”?
Although I am still in the middle of discovering new ways to be without “good girl” dragging me down, I can tell you now… it feels FABULOUS!
The guilt is gone. I’m not dependent on my number of FB likes to feel great about myself. I’m taking more risks with my work and writing. When I say “no” I stick with it, so then my “yeses” are BIG YESES.
I’m not defined by what other people think, which translates into showing up in bigger, bolder ways…all the ways I once was judging others for being. Furthermore, my worthiness does not depend on what others think. And I embrace wholeheartedly other’s compliments and praise.
I’m set free to be myself, accepting of all my imperfections, faults and vulnerabilities, rather than what others expect.
I can speak my truths without the aim to please or hurt, but rather simply because it’s what’s in my true heart.
I’m more of ME in whatever way I want to show up, whether it’s the crazy, wild me or the introverted, quiet me. It’s my choice.
I may even break a few rules! Curse! Scream! YELL! Dance with abandon. And boy, do my creative juices flow without her over my shoulder!
Can you see a new way to be without “good girl” ruling you?
If she’s been a part of you for most of your life, remember it’s a process, and awareness is the first big step. Give this process all the time it needs without deadline.
How to Set “Good Girl” Free?
1. Become aware. Take note of all the times she shows up.
2. Feel her presence. How does she make you feel?
3. Honor her. How has she benefited you?
4. Be with her. Hear her out. Move with her. Write to her, pen to paper.
5. Ask: Are you ready to release her? Does the timing feel right?
6. When ready, let her go. Create a meaningful ritual that symbolizes this release.
Rest in Peace
Once I knew I was really ready to be done with this old, nagging “good girl” pattern, I knew I needed a tangible and meaningful way to lay her to rest, once and for all. I created a ritual that I must say may seem a bit morbid but it worked for me…I buried “good girl”. It was the most freeing thing I could have done. I felt it in my bones!
I chose an old barbie doll from my childhood home basement. I chose the one who looked the most put together. I then wrapped her in twine tightly. I needed to spend a few days with her like this. I had been feeling bound up like this for a long, long time. I dug a hole under a tree, gave her a little private ceremony and laid her to rest.
The old “good girl” in me would feel completely embarrassed about even sharing this ritual. No more.
Moving On
I still need to check in with myself.
Before I make a decision or take action, I ask myself, “Is this coming from “good girl” or from the “goodness of my heart”? The difference is palpable!
And I’m asking regularly, “What’s one thing I could do that’s totally out of the box?”
Article originally posted on medium.com
Karen is a professional coach and expert healer with 15 years of experience teaching Reiki, yoga and meditation. Her Sacred Circles help women awaken to who they truly are through richly transforming processes and tools. Being a lifetime seeker herself, she’s able to help you dig deep into your body and soul, inspiring you to uncover your intuitive powers and live a life you love.